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God can do more than we could ever imagine
Living with trauma is like living with a dark cloud that follows you every day of your life. Sometimes it pours and sometimes it's just hanging loosely, threatening to get you wet at any moment.
I lost my spouse nearing 12 years ago, and just yesterday I sat in my therapist’s office hashing over guilt I still felt, judgement I still process and a nagging, undeserving feeling that I just couldn’t shake.
I lost a spouse, so I am doomed to be sad forever, right? That is what the deepest part of my soul continues to cling to. My therapist gently reminded me that I carry deep hurt and sadness that I am not meant to carry. I still carry the grief of others and didn’t know that I could put it down. She encouraged me to ask myself one simple question. “Who does this belong to.” If the answer isn’t me, then I am to gently lay it at the feet of the cross never to pick it up again.
Long story short. God has brought me out of loss to a new and adventurous life. A few months ago God called us out of the church that we had been attending. It was jarring, unexpected and happened faster than we thought it would. From the day David and I looked at each other and agreed it was time, until we started our new church was about 6 weeks.
God highlighted a new church for us right away. We watched online for a while and once we had transitioned out of our roles we started our new church. Something we hadn’t done in 8 years.
Fast forward 6 months.
I was hired on as the new Ministry Director. It is a divine appointment that God gently placed in my lap. The pastors wife felt like I was the person for the job without knowing me much at all. I threw together a resume, fumbled through an interview and I was offered the job. Not feeling equipped, unsure if it was something I was capable of , I trusted God’s leading and quietly said yes.
The most remarkable part is that one of my first assignments is to host a Grief and Loss workshop. My first day on the job I had a meeting with our pastor and a couple in the church that had a vision for grief ministry. Something that is such an deep part of my life.
Today, I met with a widow at our church and as I sat across the Starbucks table from her, with the chatter of a grocery shoppers behind, us I had an overwhelming cloud of peace come over me, as I fully realized what God has been doing all this time. With all the change, with all the struggle of transition. This is what God had in mind. And in her gently whisper she said “you are an answer to prayer.”
These divine appointments are happening daily and I am finally, after 12 years, finally seeing the pure and holy purpose of my pain.
What if we always had our eyes open for ways that God uses our pain? What if we could always notice His hand in even the smallest details?
What if, just maybe, we could lay all that we carry that doesn’t belong to us at the foot of the cross to make way for more divine, beautiful and unimaginable things to happen to us?
God doesn’t make mistakes. God knows fully and wonderfully our entire story. He knows our next steps, turns, tumbles and victories. He has things laid out that are clear for Him and utterly senseless to us.
A friend of mine at Bible study this week explained it well. We are like little children sitting in the back seat of a car. The mother, who can see everything, is waiting patiently at a light, as cars and trucks zoom past. The child, impatiently from the back is yelling “GO,GO, just GO!” The mother replies with “We can’t go, it’s not safe, it’s not time”. But the child insists.
Does this sound familiar? God GO! It is TIME! I can’t see what you can, but just go anyway.
Leaning into a deep trust isn’t easy. But often after we have stumbled over ourselves too many times, or driven into on coming traffic, we finally learn that He really does know best.
So today. Just trust. Your timing is not perfect, only His.
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)
